WE wear the mask that grins and lies, It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes. This debt we pay to human guile; With torn and bleeding hearts we smile And mouth with myriad subtleties.
Why should the world be over-wise, In counting all our tears and sighs? Nay, let them only see us, while We wear the mask.
We smile, but, O great Christ, our cries To thee from tortured souls arise. We sing, but oh the clay is vile Beneath our feet, and long the mile; But let the world dream otherwise, We wear the mask!
Paul Laurence Dunbar(1872-1906)
Domestic (spousal) abuse occurs when one person in an intimate relationship or marriage tries to dominate and control the other person. Domestic abuse that includes physical violence is called domestic violence. Domestic violence is used for one purpose and one purpose only; to gain and maintain total control.
An abuser doesn’t play fair. Domestic violence doesn’t discriminate. It looks like you and me. It happens to heterosexual couples and same-sex partnerships, in all ages, ethnic backgrounds and economic status.
Let me tell you a brief story about two sisters who were constantly and forcefully sexually assaulted by a family member and the effect it had on them when they tried to do something about it.
Background on the oldest sister…she was told by a teacher that she would never become a nurse because she didn’t have the smarts and couldn’t afford the tuition. She encouraged her younger sister to never give up on her dreams. She told her this because she knew one day she would have this teacher.
She became a LPN (Licensed Practicing Nurse) and wore her uniform proudly. Be careful what you say and do to people because you never know who will give you a cup of water. Some years later she had to take care of a man who was near death. She knew immediately who he was but he didn’t know who she was, at first.
Eventually, he recognized her. He told her he was wrong for what he did to her because she took good care of him. Two days later, the teacher died. She didn’t hate him. She forgave him and thanked him for pushing her into her destiny.
Amidst of all the obstacles in their path they were resilient. While still dealing with the sexual assault they decided to come up with a plan to leave home. Unfortunately, the abuser overheard the conversation and told their parents. This led to them being beaten and put on a time schedule for leaving and coming home.
You’re probably thinking, why didn’t they tell their parents what was going on. Well, they did. The response from them was certainly not what they expected. Parents are supposed to love and protect their children. However, they told them a man has needs and it was their job, as women, to satisfy them. The older sister tried to protect the younger sister as the abuse was more frequent.
Love comes at last. The older sister was dating someone who she never brought home to meet her parents. He was a surgeon. He wanted to meet her parents and ask for her hand in marriage.
Upon his arrival the father opened the door to him, a Caucasian man, who he told to get off his steps, out of his door way and slammed the door in his face. The father turned to his daughter and beat her so badly that the blood was running down her nose. The younger sister begged the father to stop only to be told to shut up before he beat her.
Needless to say, the older sister didn’t date again until one day a young man came along with the right words and charm. A marriage made in heaven, so she thought. She knew some things were not right. She became his hand made, working to pay the bills. (Trust your instincts). She came home from work, proceeded to go to her bedroom to change her clothes. As she walked into the bedroom, she found her husband in her bed engaged in a sexual act with another man. Her life was out of control.
The emotional and financial abuse escalated. He ran the bills up. She could not adequately take care of herself financially. Her health was rapidly declining resulting in multiple heart attacks. Still under his control she had to report to him where she was going.
Father to the rescue? Her car wasn’t working and she needed help with it so she called him for assistance. The father came over only to find her husband engaged in the same sexual act with a man that she had. His words were it’s your mess deal with it. Again, her father did not defend nor protect her. Another heart attack that almost took her life.
While recovering at her parent’s home, her husband put her out then decided he wanted her back in the house. The husband had a huge insurance policy on her. That was why he would not let her go. She was reminded, by her parents, that she had married him and the Bible said “until death do you part.”
With all that she endured the two sisters finally got together. The older sister told the younger sister how tired she was and her time on earth would not be long. For the first time they told each other how much they loved each other. Those were words that were not allowed in their household.
With her younger sister and adult children at her side God took her home to rest. Her husband is still alive and living in Philadelphia.
As a result of this, she is no longer bound, no more chains holding the younger sister. She took off the mask of shame, deception, guilt, blame, fear, power and control and birthed the OB Domestic Violence Foundation.
It takes a victim at least 7 times before she leaves the abuser. Never tell them to leave. Be supportive. Help them develop a safety plan. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline. Listen attentively and let them know it’s not their fault. Love shouldn’t hurt.
